The Article I Wish I Could Have Written

Earlier today I covered a story about a small cruise ship that made port in Rochester. Obviously, upstate New York is not exactly on any top 10 list of cruise destinations, but hey, it was pretty cool. Despite the golden opportunity this presented to me, I decided it was in my best interest to keep any references to The Lonely Island out of a serious piece of journalism. Never-the-less, the idea kept running around my head.....so here it is: The story I wish I could have written.


and in case you're not aware....this is the inspiration.

**Disclaimer** The following satire contains some harsh language, but its ok because I'm just quoting people. Even so, this may not be intended for any young children or close family who are reading this and don't want to accept the fact that I find explicit language to be funny

Also, the names have all been changed to protect the integrity of the actual story....and to prevent me from getting in trouble at work (i hope) in case they find this.....and to avoid plagiarizing myself, if that's even possible. **End Disclaimer**


For City, Future Tourists Could Be On A Boat


Oh sh*t, get your towels ready.

After three weeks at sea, the cruise ship Callie II arrived at the city's port on Tuesday morning, and was greeted by Mayor Charles Roth.

"Never thought I'd see the day that a big boat's headed my way," said Roth at a brief news conference where he presented Captain Thor Janson with a plaque to commemorate the ship's first visit to the United States.

Afterwards, Santana Champaign was served, because it's so crisp.

The Callie II left Lisbon, Portugal, on June 3, and made two stops in Canada before arriving here.

As the passengers disembarked with their swim trunks, flippy-floppies, and nautical-themed Pashmina afghans, Roth and some senior political officials took a tour of the vessel.

"I'm on the deck with my boys, motha-fucka," exclaimed Roth at one point.

When asked if a relatively small cruise ship like the Callie II had any trouble crossing the often-stormy North Atlantic, Captain Janson expressed total confidence in his ship.

"Take a good hard look at the motha-fuckin' boat," he said, adding that he believed it possible to fly that boat to the Moon, somehow.

"Anything is possble," agreed Kevin Garnett, one of several celebrities who had enjoyed the cruise.

"This boat is real," said another passenger, though he refused to identify himself or to elaborate on his statement.

The Callie II will remain in port until Thursday so it can be inspected by the U.S. Coast Gaurd.

Captain Janson said he was not worried about the inspection, because he had told his crew to "stay on their motha-fuckin' toes," during their time in port.

The summer, the luxury vessel will be sailing in the Great Lakes, on the big, blue, watery road between Toronto and Duluth, Minn.


E.